Altogether lovely, altogether worthy, altogether wonderful

Well, well, well, I don’t know what is the most surprising thing: that I got A to go to a musical on Saturday (he claims I hadn’t told him about the songs beforehand…) or that we went to church on Sunday! I haven’t “admitted” this to anyone yet (church, not the musical!), so this is my way of “outing” myself, I suppose!

We spent the weekend in London revisiting some old haunts and eating far too much, which was lovely. But being in London for a long weekend meant that I could go somewhere that I have wanted to go for a long time, ever since I started listening to their Sunday Talks months and months ago – Holy Trinity Brompton.

This, I should add, is not like me – or is it? I have not been brought up as a churchgoer; I wasn’t christened as a baby; I didn’t get married in a church; I have a shelf or two of books all about Druidry; the list goes on….

But lately, Christianity has been on my mind.

It all started about four years ago when I took part in an Alpha course. Now this wasn’t too much of a strange thing for me to do as I had been responsible for religious news in the paper as part of my job there - I really liked doing that; the people I spoke to were nice and the features were interesting – but it was an academic exercise for me rather than one from the heart.

I never completed the course.

About four weeks or so into it, we had the session “Why and how do I pray?”. Naturally enough given the setting and the topic, the group leader suggested we should all pray together, which was OK if a little embarrassing for me. But it was nowhere near as embarrassing as the sobs which started to wrack my body and did not cease for the rest of the session.

I attended the next week’s meeting with great trepidation only to find that the same thing happened again. Two lovely members of the group prayed for me, and I vowed not to return to Alpha. I was unnerved by what had happened – it was unexpected, and at the time, unwelcome. I didn’t know what it meant and I didn’t want to know. I put it from my mind and didn’t think about it again for a long time.

I can’t remember what triggered me to think about it all again. It can only be a number of factors. My friend E gave up her job to follow her heart in training with her church, which inspired me so much. My friend L gave me a study Bible as a wedding present. I read the Alpha book again and started listening to the HTB Sunday Talks on my iPod and to Cross Rhythms radio. We went to A’s cousin’s daughter’s dedication at a lively and friendly church. I found a local church online that is planning an Alpha course later this year. L and I called in at the HTB bookshop when I visited her, and we had a heart to heart about it all. She said to me: “It sounds like God has been trying to get your attention for a while.” I wasn’t freaked out at the thought.

All of which brings me to today. I really appreciate it that A came with me to HTB as he is not religious – and even if he was he would choose a more traditional choir, hymns and organ set-up rather than dancing and worship songs.

It was everything I expected it to be and a bit more. The music was so uplifting and there was a real presence in the air. I could feel my palms burning, strangely. After the “Sunday Talk” (it will be strange to listen to this one on my iPod and know that I was there!) the vicar Archie Coates invited people to go to the front if they wanted to be prayed for, if they had felt the presence of God. “If you had a few tears in your eyes at any point this can be a sign,” he said. I immediately thought of my uncontrolled sobbing at the Alpha course, and a shiver ran through me. I didn’t go up – out of shyness, embarrassment, whatever – but A said afterwards that I should have done, and maybe I should have.

So I feel that I am at a crossroads now. I’m not ready to say: “Yes, that’s it, I believe” but I am in a strange halfway position. I know that the next step is to go to a service at a local church but somehow that is more daunting than going to HTB…

There might be people who know me who will read this and think “this doesn’t sound like you!” but there you go, you’ve learned something new. Others of you might read this and be cheered by it. Either way, know that I am being thoroughly sincere! I’m guessing I’ll return to this topic again in the future….